The Klanciest Klance to Ever Klance
by LightTheJeenius
Summary: Klance
1. Up

**People like this stuff right?**

Keith and Lance were stuck on the planet Spoofy. Why were they trapped? Not important, y'all just want the spicy stuff, am I right?

"oh Nu. We r going 2 di if we dont xchang air supllie." Lance whispered, leaning in towards Keith.

The half-Galra paladin ignored Lance. He swore he saw something move in the distance. It looked like...

"Is that updog?" Keith asked.

"What?" Lance asked.

The thing moved once more. It seemed a lot closer than before. As if it were advancing on the two paladins.

"Updog. I swear I saw updog i the distance." Keith replied, pointing in the direction of the thing.

Lance looked to where Keith was pointing and saw nothing. Maybe Keith was slowly going insane. Maybe the only way to fix that was dA PowAH of LEOV.

"I don't know what you're saying, Keith. bUT HOELD Mii lIKE 1 of Ur frONCH goRL'S." Lance said leaning on Keith.

Once again, Keith did not react. "It is. It's updog." Keith insisted. The updog was much closer now. He could finally see the updog clearly through the mist. Updog looked suspiciously a lot like a murderous ninja.

"What is updog?" Lance asked.

The lights suddenly turned on. Surrounding Lance and Keith were the rest of the paladins all completely dumbfounded Lance fell for the oldest trick in the book. Keith laughed maniacally, looking more insane as time went on.

"I have NEVER in my LIFE gotten that to work!" he yelled.

Lance stared off into the distance wordlessly. He hoped Lotor was coming for them soon.

 **AN: did you like it?**


	2. Eye

**AN: this is a compilation series of Keith fucking with Lance.**

"Hey Lance." Keith said.

The Blue paladin was still angry at him for the updog debacle. They were also in a fight with a gigantic disgusting eye monster, so that may be the reason he didn't want to answer.

Lance aimed his gun at the monster's eye, firing (and he missed).

"Oh no I screwed up." he complained.

"Like eye fucked up as in E-Y-E?" Keith asked.

Lance tried to concentrate on taking aim at the eye monster once again. "No that spells ewe."

There was a stunned silence that fell over the battlefield. Even the eye monster stopped so it could question what it just heard.

"Are you fucking serious?" Keith asked.

"E-W-E is ewe, Lance." Pidge cut in.

It took a moment for it to dawn on Lance. Celebratory music played and confetti rained down upon the battlefield from a pinata that read _Congraulations_ but it was quite clear the pinata was not to be taken seriously. Even Lotor appeared, questioning the very existence of Lance.

"You messed up a three letter word! How do you even do that?" Keith asked, incredulously.

"I-I got it messed up in my head I have problems with that. Spelling stuff." Lance sputtered, trying to justify himself.

"Do you want to try spelling the? Tuh-heeeeee. T-heee." Keith asked.

"I was trying to fight the giant eye monster and-"

"None of us will ever let you live this down." Keith interrupted, getting pure joy out of the embarrassment of the blue paladin.

"NooOOoo." Lance cried.

* * *

The paladins were about to form Voltron. A hot dog demon's reign of terror needed to end. Just as the Lions were about to sync up Hunk asked, "Hey Lance, what does e-w-e spell?"

"Shut up!" Lance yelled, falling out of formation.

"Goddamnit guys just because Lance can't spell eye doesn't mean we have to screw up Voltron." Shiro groaned.

"I mean everyone heard it." Keith replied.

Lance screamed in anguish.

* * *

Lance was finally able to see his family for the first time in years. He was finally back home on Earth. Nothing could possibly ruin this day.

"You can't spell eye!" Keith yelled, laughing in the distance.

"YES I CAN! I just-"

* * *

The essence of Lance and Keith remained in their Lions. The Red Lion had an engraving inside of the cockpit. It read, _he closed he ewes_.

"KEITH YOU'RE DEAD TO ME!" Lance's ghost yelled.

"We're both dead already Lance! Did you forget that like you forgot how to spell eye?" Keith's ghost responded.

The new Red Paladin swore they could hear the anguished cries of a human man coming from the Red Lion, while the new Black Paladin swore someone was laughing hysterically from the Black Lion.


	3. sCR E M

**AN: Are you enjoying it yet?**

Lance was pretty sure Keith was fucking with him.

Keith swore he'd never played a Mario game ever in his life but he was abnormally good at trolling Lance. Whenever they reached the lifts towards Bowser Keith would either leave Lance behind, throw Lance off the lift or throw their much needed items away.

Then...then there were the green star challenges. Lance would try his best to collect them all before they ended the stage, but Keith. No he'd rather run ahead or let the ball fall into the abyss. Every time Keith would laugh at Lance's misery as he watched the green stars slip further and further away from Lance's fingers.

"Why must you do this to me?" Lance asked.

"This is my revenge, Lance. For the time you tricked me with Bofa." Keith replied.

"Bofa?" Lance asked.

"BOFA DEEZ NUTS! WOOOOOO!" Keith yelled, throwing Lance's character off a cliff. Allura entered the room blasting two air horns loudly. Coran could be seen in the background dabbing furiously.

"Why..." Lance whispered, curling into a ball on the floor. He sobbed quietly, unheard thanks to the airhorns.

Keith continued to scream loudly. For a moment Shiro entered the room, wondering what was wrong with the Red Paladin. Then he remembered this was Keith and Shiro walked right back out of the room. Why couldn't he have stayed dead?


	4. Courtship of the Blue Paladin

**AN: Y'all should listen to NSP's new album, Cool Patrol.**

Keith dragged an unwilling Pidge out of bed at ass-o-clock in the morning for another one of his piss off Lance schemes. Normally Pidge was all for it, but goddamn Keith it was way too fucking early for this shit. And why was she the one who had to do this couldn't he have gotten _**literally anyone else**_ to do this?

"So I'm sure you're wondering why I asked you to help me with this. And what we're doing for that matter." Keith said.

"Yeah, why did you wake me up and insist I bring pizzas and a megaphone with me. I didn't even know Domino's delivered this far out in space. Or off the planet earth for that matter." Pidge replied.

"I need them, Pidge. So I can finally profess my love for Lance." Keith replied.

"...who let you smoke marijuana?" Pidge deadpanned.

"No one. How dare you tell me my love is fake!" Keith gasped, bringing his hand up to his chest dramatically.

Pidge made a mental note to break Keith's fucking legs after this was finished.

The two paladins stood in front of Lance's room, where the Blue Paladin was peacefully sleeping, unaware of the shit he was about to face. Keith stopped Pidge for opening the door, crouching down to her level.

"Pidge. It's time. The megaphone and one of the pizzas." Keith demanded.

Piddge shoved the pizza box into Keith's hands, propping the megaphone on top of the pizza box. Taking the megaphone in one hand, he turned it on. Keith nodded at Pidge to open the door.

"It's such a delicate moment, I need to play this right. Thanks for all the help Pidge." Keith whispered.

Pidge flipped Keith off, close to falling asleep where she stood. Why did Keith need a megaphone?

Wait no.

Keith held the megaphone up to his mouth and screamed into it, " **HEY DO YOU LIKE PIZZA?!** "

Lance shrieked in terror falling off his bed. He had no time to get back up having to react to an entire pizza being thrown in his face. The once peaceful night had been turned into utter chaos. Lance was covered in cheese, pepperoni and smushed pizza slices.

Lance picked one of the pieces off of his face, glaring at Keith and Pidge. The fact she looked like she was about to fall over told Lance she didn't actually want to be part of this so he gave Pidge a pass.

Keith, seeing Lance's glare turned to Pidge holding a hand out to her. "More pizza, Pidge! I don't think the last one worked. Coat me in pizza and throw me over to Lance so our love can finally be sliced and dished up like one of these delicious pizzas!" he declared.

Pidge dropped all of the pizzas onto the ground, flipping Keith off before returning to her room. There was no way she was going to cover Keith in pizza and throw him at Lance.

Fuck Keith.

 **AN:** **he spreads like the plague. Now Keith is screwing with the other paladins.**


	5. This Chapter Has Exactly 69 Words

**AN: The shortest saddest one of them all**

Keith rose from the ground behind an unsuspecting Lance. He started smirking in that _lil shit_ way he smirked whenever he wanted to fuck with the blue Paladin.

"Hey Lance." Keith whispered seductively into Lance's ear.

"Oh fuck..." Lance whispered.

"Y'all wanna do any cums?" Keith asked.

Lance screamed so loudly Zarkon could hear him from beyond the grave.


	6. The Sleepy Time Train

**AN: Justice rains from above.**

Lance honestly had enough of Keith's shit. For weeks he had to deal with extremely out of character and context references from the Red Paladin and for what reason? Keith was bored as fuck.

Didn't he have Galra shit to do...or you know. VOLTRON. Was that not enough? Is that mundane for you Keith.

Lance had his revenge.

Keith was tired for a day full of planning his next emotional tormenting of Lance. Looking through the pages there were a lot of dick jokes and something about a thing called Ligma. He'd have to ask the equally as done with Keith's shit Pidge what it meant later. Keith was nearly sound asleep on his bed, unaware of the shit he was about to go through.

Lance crept up to the Red Paladin's sleeping body and began quietly singing.

"Somebody's taking a train to sleepy time junction."

Keith stirred giving the middle finger lazily before dropping his arm back to his side once more. The Blue Paladin grinned evilly. Sweet, sweet fucking revenge.

"Somebody is so tired he can barely function."

The red Paladin mumbled something, which sounded a lot like _Fuck off_. Spoiler alert: it was.

"So he's hopping on that train to sleepy time junction." Lance picked up the megaphone from the Pizza Incident that was conveniently lying on the floor beside him. His evil grin turned borderline manic as he tired on the device.

He held the megaphone up to his mouth and began screaming, "'ALL ABOARD' CRIED THE ENGINEER. SLEEPY TIME JUNCTION IS SO NEAR!"

Keith's eyes flew open, he shrieked like a banshee as he puled his knife out from under his pillow and waved it around in the air. Shiro walked in the room only to walk immediately back out. Why didn't he stay on Earth?

Lance booked it out of the room, closely followed by Keith. The Red Paladin's will to stab him was stronger than a blue sweaty horse man from another world. So. SO. STRONG.

"Keith please. I'm sorry. I love you." Lance cried, tears streamed down his face knowing this was the day he died.

"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Keith screeched then began furiously dabbing.

"Uh." Lance was speechless. What the fuck was happening.

"THIS IS THE GALRA MATING RITUAL YOU THIRSTY BITCH! JOIN ME IF YOU DARE!" Keith yelled in response, dabbing even more furiously. He was going to get some serious whiplash if he kept that up.

With no other options Lance slowly backed away into the darkness of the castle ship. After he was out of sight Keith stopped dabbing and began laughing maniacally. "I win this round again, Lance!"

"Shut the fuck up Keith." Pidge yelled.


End file.
